Anxiety and the Exclusion Principle

I have been feeling really overburdened the past few days and I seem to be missing a large part of my life. I'm not quite sure what to do about it, but the question of whether or not I am a good person keeps arising out of situations. Let me start by relaying a story about my friend V in Seattle.

V was a little extreme in his beliefs about friendship. V consciously made a decision to spend all social time with a few close friends. V found it a waste of time to go out with people that were not close friends. V mostly scheduled small gatherings and, every once in a while, would go to a large party to support a friend. Some people might say that V was exclusive and not open to meeting new people. I found that V did meet new people, but only continued to spend time with them if V thought it was worth it.

I am similar to V in that I have meaningful connections in small groups of 2 or 3 people, including myself. I have great conversations and get the most out of one-on-one situations. I enjoy going to lots of parties and hanging out in large groups, but I NEED a lot of small group encounters to feel fulfilled.

In Seattle, I was able to achieve this by having a few small groups of friends that only really overlapped for large parties. Unfortunately in Boston, hanging out in small groups is frowned upon. I feel like I have been reprimanded or given the evil eye for wanting smaller groups. People think I'm being exclusive. Maybe I am just selfish, but I don't think it's a mean thing. I want to hang out with lots of people - just not all together. My situation in Boston is extreme in that there's actually an email list with about 50 people, and all are invited to everything. When I invited some people over to watch the baseball game, I made up a smaller email list of what I thought would be a fun group. I got shit for not inviting all 50 people. I want to cry. In school we have many projects that can be done with 2-4 people. I always try to get a 2 person group, but the 2nd person always invites in more people. It becomes a scheduling nightmare, things take longer, and I think the work is lower quality because it becomes more about getting things done than collaborating. If I ever make plans without my roommate, I'm made to feel guilty by other people for not inviting her.

Perhaps I am letting other people's judgements get to me too much. This is ridiculous. I should be allowed to hang out with just a few friends without everyone going apeshit on me. I understand that some people prefer large groups. Maybe that means I need to extract myself altogether from this large group. I can't imagine that all of them are against smaller groups. To me it seems like taking the idea of being inclusive too far. If I want to grab a few drinks, do I really have to invite the 20 people on the list that I have never even met?

I think Bb in Seattle had a similar problem. After he moved away, when he would visit, he had to secretly schedule hang-out time with me and other people. I heard a few times that Bb was in town, but I understood if I didn't hear from him because I knew I'd get some quality Bb time when he was available.

Ack. I need some meaningful relationships.